Are you always pushing great partners away? SoNaughty.com is here to help you figure out why you're really scared of committing to a serious relationship.
Being in a committed relationship can be as challenging as it can be rewarding. The struggle is real, and when it can be hard enough just looking after your own needs, adding another person to worry about can be daunting. Or maybe you want to "keep your options open" because you think you deserve to be with that imaginary mate that the media has told you about growing up. Your Prince Charming. Your Cinderella. Your Snow White. The Lady to your Tramp. The perfect person doesn't exist though, and no matter what you tell yourself might be the reason; if you're asking this question, it means you're ready to put in the WORK to find out what's really stopping you from growing up, getting over yourself, and committing to a serious relationship. Here are some of the most common things that could be scaring you off.
When you wake up in the morning and do your daily routine of brushing your teeth, washing your face, and brushing your hair, do you like who you see in the mirror, or do you just try to get it over with as quickly as possible, and move then forward with your day? Our self-esteem can have a lot to do with the way we see ourselves in relationships. Our confidence can determine whether or not we feel like we deserve to be in a happy relationship. If we're good enough for our partners.
We can get to a point in a relationship where they're getting serious and it seems like our partner really loves us. If we don't feel like we deserve that love though, our natural reaction is often to push our partner away, so as to not ruin their lives or waste their time, even though that be our decision to make. The person you're dating is also an adult, and knows what they want. If what they want is you, your low opinion of yourself shouldn't prevent you from accepting their love. It's difficult to accept that someone else could like you sometimes, but it's very common for people not to be able to see their own qualities, and then deprive themselves of happiness because of it.
If you have a hard time letting someone into your heart because of a low opinion of yourself, it's crucial that you allow yourself to push those thoughts to the side, and see where the relationship will take you. Having someone love or want to be closer to you is a very special thing that you should embrace wholeheartedly. That may not be possible to start, so just start slow. When you have negative thoughts about yourself; think that those ultimately don't matter, because your partner feels otherwise. Try to think if the roles were reversed, and your partner (who you think is amazing) thought that they weren't good enough for you, and told you that. You would most likely tell them that they were, and to stop thinking that way, right? So try your best to stop thinking that way.
You've been hurt in the past. All of us have. Some worse than others, but we should never let the past keep us from moving forward and enjoying our lives to their fullest. Though it's true that the people who have the ability to hurt us more than anyone else, are people that we're close to, those people are also the ones that have the ability to love us more than anyone else. It's a sometimes painful give and take relationship that if we unfortunately aren't able to be in healthy relationships without. Vulnerability is key in a strong relationship, because it shows your partner that you trust them, and know that they won't intentionally cause you any harm, they will offer the same vulnerability to you. You'll each hold the same power over each other. Knowing a person that deeply leaves them vulnerable, but it also comforts them because they know that their pain isn't just theirs anymore. That their partner shares and supports them, and wants them to be able to move past their scars, and heal within the relationship. It's often through the love of a committed relationship that we get over our past trauma, and relearn to be happy.
You know how how when you're hanging out with your coupled up friends sometimes, and they'll give each other a look that makes them both smile? Wouldn't you like to be able to have a relationship with someone where just a look from across the room could light you up, and make you feel like you're completely known and understood? The closeness that couples achieve through being open with each other, and not worrying about whether or not they'll be hurt, is one of life's most beautiful feelings, and even if you're able to fake your way through a relationship while keeping your walls up, no matter how much you might think that you have your partner fooled, they'll always know that you're keeping a part of yourself locked away. Give them the key, and you'll feel so much more at ease.
Are you scared of committing to a serious relationship because you think that you need to date more people before settling down? You know better than anyone else, how your current relationship rates in comparison to previous relationships, and perhaps even other people that you're currently going out with. If you've been with people who made you feel better than your current relationship, that's definitely something reasonable to want to achieve again. But what happened to that relationship that made YOU the happiest? Was your partner equally happy? Odds are that they're with someone else now, and probably happier than they were when they were with you. Sometimes relationships just work that way. One person is happier than the other, and when the happier of the two doesn't work towards balancing the scales, the relationship crumbles. So always when rating past and current relationships, weigh the happiness of your partner. If you don't, then there's a good chance that your hesitancy to commit is affecting your ability to be tuned into your partner, and that might be why you're not getting everything that you need. When a person feels neglected, they will return the favour. So feel free to keep your options open, but be sure that you have a very clear understanding of what it is you're looking for in a partner, and what it is that you have to offer in return to make sure that future relationships are enjoyed equally by each party.
We often have an idea of who our ideal partner is from an early age. Some of us realize early into our dating lives that even if we're lucky enough to meet someone who fits the description of our perfect partner, there's almost always something about their personality, looks, or habits that weren't there in our fantasy, and which then ends up nagging at us in a way that is both unrealistic, and unfair. If you're looking for "The One", we suggest you stop immediately. The sooner you do, the sooner you're likely to meet someone who surprises you, and makes you feel like a fool for not being creative enough to have imagined them.
A lot of people see dating as practice for the time when they meet their soul mate, and they're ready to settle down. There are some issues with this logic, but there's also a lot of things about it that make sense (just not in the way that some might think). Dating is great practice for future relationships, but you know what else is great practice for a committed relationship? Committed relationships.
If you find yourself in a pattern of go-nowhere dates and short-term relationships that you end because you decide they aren't who you see yourself growing old with, there's a very good chance that you're pushing away the experiences that you need to develop into the person that is going to attract the person you'll grow old with. Just like in your professional life, you shouldn't reject good opportunities, because they're few and far between, and because we learn from our mistakes in failures. They're the things that make us stronger, and better equipped to settle down later in life.
Some of us are fortunate enough to meet the people that they marry very early in life, and live long lives together. Most of us don't though, and it's through the relationships that we let ourselves be vulnerable in, that we learn the most about ourselves. We learn what we like and don't like. That means physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Facing your fears is always the first step in conquering your fears, so if you've identified your reason for avoiding commitment as one of the above reasons, we encourage you to face your fear, and watch the healing begin. Maybe it isn't even important to identify what your problems are. Perhaps just throwing caution to the wind, and trusting your partner will do right by you if you open up and allow yourself to be emotionally available is enough. Think of the best case scenario, and then think of the worst case scenario. Which is closer to your reality, and which is closer to where you want to be in life? If you've pushed away a lot of potential relationships, why not try to ruin your next one by being an open book? See if your worst fears come true, or if you discover that you're completely capable of committing to a serious relationship, and better than that, REALLY LOVE being in them.
It truly is tremendous that you've reached a point in your life where you're wise enough to start asking such important questions about yourself, in the hopes of figuring out how to better yourself, and improve your capacity to be a good romantic partner. The more comfortable we feel in our own skin, the more we're likely to be happy in life. When looking for a potential partner, ask yourself if you're looking for someone who is reserved and unable to communicate their feelings properly, or someone who even though they might have some issues, is comfortable in their own skin, and isn't afraid to let their feelings get hurt from time to time in order to bet on the upside of finding love, or at least a great relationship that provides what they need for the time being. If you're being honest with yourself, you know it's the latter. We hope that this has been of some help to you, and that you'll be able to move past whatever it is that's scaring you away from committed relationships, because you deserve to be loved, and so do the people that you've been dating.
Once you've become confident enough to be able to hold up your side of a serious relationship, you will want to make sure to not put your relationships up on a pedestal. Just because you're experiencing a healthy and fulfilling serious relationship for the first time, or at least for the first time in a long time, you may find yourself thinking that you don't deserve the love you're receiving again, and if the relationship goes sideways, you may have a hard time letting go of it. Continue to stay open to your future partners, but remember that sometimes relationships just don't work out. Sometime it's nobody's fault. You just need to pull up your socks and move onto the next romantic chapter in your life; which will hopefully be better than the last.